I really enjoyed your story over the girl with the golden heart! I was really intrigued over the crocodiles and how they needed to eat the hearts of a pure human. I noticed that you explained this as a myth passed down through the crocodile tribe, but maybe you could elaborate on this myth a little more to give Henry's character more motive. Maybe Henry wanted to live forever so that he could avenge his wife who didn't find a heart in time (to fit in with the original story that the croc tried to get the heart for his wife)? Or maybe Henry wanted to live forever so he could one day rule over all other crocodiles? I think giving Henry some motive and/or exploring the myth some more would give Henry more motive and I think would better develop his character. Can't wait to read the rest of your stories!
Hi Lillian! Your first Portfolio story was such an interesting take on the story. I like how you reshaped the story so that it was so unique and had a strong moral, while still keeping some of the source material. In the second paragraph, you mentioned that Henry was the oldest crocodile in the area, and said 'considering most crocodiles died if they did not...", but I was still wondering why he was the oldest at the end. What was his backstory? How did he outlive the other crocodiles if he hadn't consumed a pure heart and was still looking for one in Mia? Another suggestion I had that might make the narrative flow a little better is if you split the dialogue up from the main paragraphs, particularly in paragraph 4. I think separating actual speech from the writing itself can give a better read sometimes, and really emphasize what the characters are saying especially when it's important to the story. I definitely enjoyed the whole moral and premise to the story overall though, and was even a little sad Henry didn't survive. But it's true that not all lessons can be learned in one lifetime.
Nice story! I like the Australian setting, it gives it a fun feel. How’d you come up with that?
A few little things, in no particular order:
- Maybe for the first sentence: “In a remote, plant-covered Australian town, there once lived the most ...” I think that adding “there once” makes it flow more easily, and converting the greenery into an adjective, to my ear, again flows better. - In 2nd para: “considering most crocodiles” → “because crocodiles would die if they did not find and eat a kind human heart”, perhaps. - “The waters were murky and defiled” – what exactly do you mean by “defiled” here? While it literally means “impure,” there are strong connotations of sexual transgression, loss of chastity, etc., which doesn’t exactly make sense to me for a lake. - It would be good if you gave paragraph breaks in your dialogue, it helps the reader navigate the text visually. - It takes someone of extraordinary composure to be only “frustrated” when facing death… did you mean to minimize Mia’s feelings so? If you did, I’d make more of it, since it would be a defining and remarkable character moment. If not, maybe a stronger word would do here?
What I thought was really “Wow” was the imagery that you provided throughout the story. Right off the bat you gave great details that helped paint an image in my mind. The description of Mia helps me think of a pure, innocent woman who has beauty and kindness. What if Mia went into the water thinking or knowing that she wanted to get the best out of whatever was there. Her goal was to change the evil that was in the heart of whatever creature lurked in the water. She basically did this in the end, but I would like to think that she wanted to show her mother that even those with defiled hearts could be saved. Mia then could have spent her time teaching the other villagers, including her mother, that everything has pureness in their heart and they can still still tap into it. This way she could convince more people that they could have a pure heart if they wanted to. You could possibly name this crocodile hunter Steve and then his heart would get saved and he would star in a popular television show.
Hi Lillian! I love how you transformed the first story. It is so much happier than the original--- no one had to die! I also liked your writing style. Are you going to add more to the first story? It would be cool to see how the crocodile changes his life around to become virtuous. The original story does not give you any guidance, so it is all your imagination!
The second story is also written very well. I love how consistent you are! I am so concerned for Jack and Molly. This is kinda how I imagine the lives of Jack and Rose going had Rose not let go. They would traveled the world and find other adventures. Is there going to be background on why they find the pearl or are they going to be innocent victims? The latter does not seem fair.
Hi Lillian, I really enjoyed reading your story, The Captivating Pearl. Jack and Molly seem like they are madly in love. Also their recent hardships each of them have experienced seem like they only have brought the too closer together. A relationship like that is hard to come across, I envy Jack and Molly. The wow factor of your story for me was how your were able to explain and write out Jack and Molly's love for each other. It is difficult to sometimes explain and write out in words want you are thinking in your head, at least it is for me to. What if instead of being cursed by this pearl they were instead blessed by the pearl? The couple seem like they have gone through enough so I think it would be cool if they experienced nothing but good luck for the rest of their lives together! I also wonder why Jack and Molly went through with picking up this pearl and keeping it if they knew it would be bring them so much bad luck and tragedy. Maybe they didn't know and they are really in for it. I cant wait to read the second part of this story to see what happens to the couple!
Let me just say that "pastel macaroni" is not only intriguing, but it is also such a cool picture. Your story "The Woman with a Heart of Gold" is such a good retelling of the "The Crocodile and The Monkey's Heart" story. I also really liked the lesson of the story and how you changed it.
I thought you did an excellent job of changing the story about Rama and Sita and the golden deer, in your story "The Captivating Pearl." Again, you provide really good background information, and your imagery is fantastic. The last bit about the pearl being cursed was a really good twist to the story. I wonder if Moly knows that there is a high probability that she's about to be kidnaped?
Your writing style definitely grabbed my attention. The level of detail you provide creates really good imagery for the reader. I look forward to reading more of your stories in the portfolio.
First of all, I absolutely love love love the color scheme and layout of your website. The cover image really shows your style and appeals to the eye so easily. I think you did a great job with organizing everything- I was able to navigate through the different pages without any confusion. As far as your stories go, I loved the settings you chose. Australia and Fiji are both amazing places and I loved that you were able to incorporate the stories from different Indian Epics so well into the culture and scenery of those countries. I also loved the amount of detail and description you included in each of the stories- I was able to paint such a vivid picture in my head of what was happening. One thing that I noticed though, is the order of some of the details. Like in the story about Mia, all of the information that you give is good, but I feel like it may be stronger if you rearranged the order in which you give the information. Like maybe explain one day Mia got in a fight with her mom ______, she was sitting in a field of peonies _____, at that moment Henry saw her and _____. I think it would make the story flow a little bit better! Other than that I think you have been doing a really good job!
WWW Comment: Hi Lillian, I really enjoyed the amount of detail that you had in your story; especially at the beginning of the story. I loved how you described the character, Mia. I like how you focused on developing the personalities of your characters. It kept me engaged throughout the entire story. I love the way how the crocodile changes from initially wanting to eat Mia’s heart to actually sparing her life. If I had to critique the story, I would say maybe add some more dialogue between the characters as it could really enhance your story and make it more engaging. Also, I liked the commentary that you added at the end of the story. It made the entire story come full circle and we can clearly see the message behind the story. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook and I am looking forward to reading the rest of your work.
Hi Lillian! I have a few comments on the design of your blog. First, the banner you chose for your home page is a bit... startling. It is very vibrant, but doesn't have much to do with the rest of your portfolio. I would suggest perhaps changing it to something more topical. Also, I would suggest renaming your stories. "Portfolio Story: 1" and "Portfolio Story: 2" don't really inspire much interest, and don't give me any insight to what those stories might be about, which is a shame because the stories are really interesting and well-written. The last comment I had was to consider using buttons. They can be found by going to Insert >Scroll Below "Layouts" > Button. This basically lets you hide the hyperlinks. Or, if you prefer, just hyperlink the words "Comment Wall" instead of linking the word "Link" after it. It's just prettier and cleaner that way. I hope this helps!
The idea of monsters trying to find hearts of gold is compelling. I certainly enjoyed your second story on a conceptual level, although I'm not sure if I liked the ending very much. It doesn't seem to tonally fit with the rest of the story, and it doesn't serve as a compelling juxtaposition. The crocodile, and Mia are morally simplistic, and so the complexities of an angry mob seem to break the rules of how characters in the story behave. Explaining why its not great due to how it contrasts with the rest of the story is more difficult, but I think it has something to do with how contrast works. I can't think of anything past that however.
The second story works pretty decently as a setup. It establishes, with decent efficiency. It establishes how the characters act and why. Beyond that, I'm not sure what I can contribute without changing the nature of the story or looking for small grammatical issues, neither of which I am particularly poor at.
Hi! I would like to begin by saying that I enjoyed reading your stories! I thought that each of the stories were well-written. With that being said, I have read a few stories that you chose to write about. Moreover, for example, the story about the crocodile, I really liked how you decided to lead the author’s note with the summary of the story. Following that, you were able to tell the readers how you started from the original story and changed it into your own version of the story. I also really liked how you explained to the readers what you changed and why you decided to change it. Other than that, I don’t think I have any suggestions for your author’s notes. I thought you did a great job with everything. With that being said, I can’t wait to read more of your stories in the future. I think you’re a terrific writer and I absolutely loved reading your stories!
Hey Lillian! First of all, I really enjoyed your stories! There were rich in detail and they had touches of refined suspense to them. They were really well written and had a lot of thought put into them. One housekeeping aspect: the pink with the white text on your blog page is really difficult to read. The idea is very pretty, but I makes it hard to see what I am typing. I loved the layout to your portfolio however, and find your intro page to be very stunning and attention grabbing. I love the different settings that you have your stories in and how they all develop on their own. I think your titles are pretty good and your author's notes are written well. The idea you had of the monsters that steal pure/golden hearts was perfect and made the story have more intensity. Your character Mia reminds of the Sophie from Mamma Mia because of her attitude towards life and how she was described. Overall, great job and I look forward to reading more!
Hey Lillian!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story over the girl with the golden heart! I was really intrigued over the crocodiles and how they needed to eat the hearts of a pure human. I noticed that you explained this as a myth passed down through the crocodile tribe, but maybe you could elaborate on this myth a little more to give Henry's character more motive. Maybe Henry wanted to live forever so that he could avenge his wife who didn't find a heart in time (to fit in with the original story that the croc tried to get the heart for his wife)? Or maybe Henry wanted to live forever so he could one day rule over all other crocodiles? I think giving Henry some motive and/or exploring the myth some more would give Henry more motive and I think would better develop his character. Can't wait to read the rest of your stories!
Hi Lillian!
ReplyDeleteYour first Portfolio story was such an interesting take on the story. I like how you reshaped the story so that it was so unique and had a strong moral, while still keeping some of the source material. In the second paragraph, you mentioned that Henry was the oldest crocodile in the area, and said 'considering most crocodiles died if they did not...", but I was still wondering why he was the oldest at the end. What was his backstory? How did he outlive the other crocodiles if he hadn't consumed a pure heart and was still looking for one in Mia? Another suggestion I had that might make the narrative flow a little better is if you split the dialogue up from the main paragraphs, particularly in paragraph 4. I think separating actual speech from the writing itself can give a better read sometimes, and really emphasize what the characters are saying especially when it's important to the story. I definitely enjoyed the whole moral and premise to the story overall though, and was even a little sad Henry didn't survive. But it's true that not all lessons can be learned in one lifetime.
Hi Lillian,
ReplyDeleteNice story! I like the Australian setting, it gives it a fun feel. How’d you come up with that?
A few little things, in no particular order:
- Maybe for the first sentence: “In a remote, plant-covered Australian town, there once lived the most ...” I think that adding “there once” makes it flow more easily, and converting the greenery into an adjective, to my ear, again flows better.
- In 2nd para: “considering most crocodiles” → “because crocodiles would die if they did not find and eat a kind human heart”, perhaps.
- “The waters were murky and defiled” – what exactly do you mean by “defiled” here? While it literally means “impure,” there are strong connotations of sexual transgression, loss of chastity, etc., which doesn’t exactly make sense to me for a lake.
- It would be good if you gave paragraph breaks in your dialogue, it helps the reader navigate the text visually.
- It takes someone of extraordinary composure to be only “frustrated” when facing death… did you mean to minimize Mia’s feelings so? If you did, I’d make more of it, since it would be a defining and remarkable character moment. If not, maybe a stronger word would do here?
Best,
A.
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteWhat I thought was really “Wow” was the imagery that you provided throughout the story. Right off the bat you gave great details that helped paint an image in my mind. The description of Mia helps me think of a pure, innocent woman who has beauty and kindness. What if Mia went into the water thinking or knowing that she wanted to get the best out of whatever was there. Her goal was to change the evil that was in the heart of whatever creature lurked in the water. She basically did this in the end, but I would like to think that she wanted to show her mother that even those with defiled hearts could be saved. Mia then could have spent her time teaching the other villagers, including her mother, that everything has pureness in their heart and they can still still tap into it. This way she could convince more people that they could have a pure heart if they wanted to. You could possibly name this crocodile hunter Steve and then his heart would get saved and he would star in a popular television show.
Hi Lillian!
ReplyDeleteI love how you transformed the first story. It is so much happier than the original--- no one had to die! I also liked your writing style. Are you going to add more to the first story? It would be cool to see how the crocodile changes his life around to become virtuous. The original story does not give you any guidance, so it is all your imagination!
The second story is also written very well. I love how consistent you are! I am so concerned for Jack and Molly. This is kinda how I imagine the lives of Jack and Rose going had Rose not let go. They would traveled the world and find other adventures. Is there going to be background on why they find the pearl or are they going to be innocent victims? The latter does not seem fair.
Hi Lillian, I really enjoyed reading your story, The Captivating Pearl. Jack and Molly seem like they are madly in love. Also their recent hardships each of them have experienced seem like they only have brought the too closer together. A relationship like that is hard to come across, I envy Jack and Molly. The wow factor of your story for me was how your were able to explain and write out Jack and Molly's love for each other. It is difficult to sometimes explain and write out in words want you are thinking in your head, at least it is for me to. What if instead of being cursed by this pearl they were instead blessed by the pearl? The couple seem like they have gone through enough so I think it would be cool if they experienced nothing but good luck for the rest of their lives together! I also wonder why Jack and Molly went through with picking up this pearl and keeping it if they knew it would be bring them so much bad luck and tragedy. Maybe they didn't know and they are really in for it. I cant wait to read the second part of this story to see what happens to the couple!
ReplyDeleteHi Lillian,
ReplyDeleteLet me just say that "pastel macaroni" is not only intriguing, but it is also such a cool picture. Your story "The Woman with a Heart of Gold" is such a good retelling of the "The Crocodile and The Monkey's Heart" story. I also really liked the lesson of the story and how you changed it.
I thought you did an excellent job of changing the story about
Rama and Sita and the golden deer, in your story "The Captivating Pearl." Again, you provide really good background information, and your imagery is fantastic. The last bit about the pearl being cursed was a really good twist to the story. I wonder if Moly knows that there is a high probability that she's about to be kidnaped?
Your writing style definitely grabbed my attention. The level of detail you provide creates really good imagery for the reader. I look forward to reading more of your stories in the portfolio.
Hi Lillian,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I absolutely love love love the color scheme and layout of your website. The cover image really shows your style and appeals to the eye so easily. I think you did a great job with organizing everything- I was able to navigate through the different pages without any confusion. As far as your stories go, I loved the settings you chose. Australia and Fiji are both amazing places and I loved that you were able to incorporate the stories from different Indian Epics so well into the culture and scenery of those countries. I also loved the amount of detail and description you included in each of the stories- I was able to paint such a vivid picture in my head of what was happening. One thing that I noticed though, is the order of some of the details. Like in the story about Mia, all of the information that you give is good, but I feel like it may be stronger if you rearranged the order in which you give the information. Like maybe explain one day Mia got in a fight with her mom ______, she was sitting in a field of peonies _____, at that moment Henry saw her and _____. I think it would make the story flow a little bit better! Other than that I think you have been doing a really good job!
WWW Comment:
ReplyDeleteHi Lillian,
I really enjoyed the amount of detail that you had in your story; especially at the beginning of the story. I loved how you described the character, Mia. I like how you focused on developing the personalities of your characters. It kept me engaged throughout the entire story. I love the way how the crocodile changes from initially wanting to eat Mia’s heart to actually sparing her life. If I had to critique the story, I would say maybe add some more dialogue between the characters as it could really enhance your story and make it more engaging. Also, I liked the commentary that you added at the end of the story. It made the entire story come full circle and we can clearly see the message behind the story. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook and I am looking forward to reading the rest of your work.
Hi Lillian! I have a few comments on the design of your blog. First, the banner you chose for your home page is a bit... startling. It is very vibrant, but doesn't have much to do with the rest of your portfolio. I would suggest perhaps changing it to something more topical. Also, I would suggest renaming your stories. "Portfolio Story: 1" and "Portfolio Story: 2" don't really inspire much interest, and don't give me any insight to what those stories might be about, which is a shame because the stories are really interesting and well-written. The last comment I had was to consider using buttons. They can be found by going to Insert >Scroll Below "Layouts" > Button. This basically lets you hide the hyperlinks. Or, if you prefer, just hyperlink the words "Comment Wall" instead of linking the word "Link" after it. It's just prettier and cleaner that way. I hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteThe idea of monsters trying to find hearts of gold is compelling. I certainly enjoyed your second story on a conceptual level, although I'm not sure if I liked the ending very much. It doesn't seem to tonally fit with the rest of the story, and it doesn't serve as a compelling juxtaposition. The crocodile, and Mia are morally simplistic, and so the complexities of an angry mob seem to break the rules of how characters in the story behave. Explaining why its not great due to how it contrasts with the rest of the story is more difficult, but I think it has something to do with how contrast works. I can't think of anything past that however.
ReplyDeleteThe second story works pretty decently as a setup. It establishes, with decent efficiency. It establishes how the characters act and why. Beyond that, I'm not sure what I can contribute without changing the nature of the story or looking for small grammatical issues, neither of which I am particularly poor at.
Hi! I would like to begin by saying that I enjoyed reading your stories! I thought that each of the stories were well-written. With that being said, I have read a few stories that you chose to write about. Moreover, for example, the story about the crocodile, I really liked how you decided to lead the author’s note with the summary of the story. Following that, you were able to tell the readers how you started from the original story and changed it into your own version of the story.
ReplyDeleteI also really liked how you explained to the readers what you changed and why you decided to change it. Other than that, I don’t think I have any suggestions for your author’s notes. I thought you did a great job with everything. With that being said, I can’t wait to read more of your stories in the future. I think you’re a terrific writer and I absolutely loved reading your stories!
Hey Lillian!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I really enjoyed your stories! There were rich in detail and they had touches of refined suspense to them. They were really well written and had a lot of thought put into them. One housekeeping aspect: the pink with the white text on your blog page is really difficult to read. The idea is very pretty, but I makes it hard to see what I am typing. I loved the layout to your portfolio however, and find your intro page to be very stunning and attention grabbing. I love the different settings that you have your stories in and how they all develop on their own. I think your titles are pretty good and your author's notes are written well. The idea you had of the monsters that steal pure/golden hearts was perfect and made the story have more intensity. Your character Mia reminds of the Sophie from Mamma Mia because of her attitude towards life and how she was described. Overall, great job and I look forward to reading more!